How to Be: A Monk and a Journalist Reflect on Living & Dying, Purpose & Prayer, Forgiveness & Friendship

In this "storied-how-to" book, authors Judith Valente and Paul Quenon, OCSO exchange heart-warming letters that reveal how platonic, kindred-spirit relationships can be magnifiers of spirit, enlightening and intensifying our ideal selves.Storied-how-to books do not perpetuate toxic optimism or reinforce the harmful delusion that we can and ought to control our lives. Instead, a storied-how-to is “a gentle, open invitation, full of hospitable storytelling that allows us to find ourselves in its pages. As we read…we are challenged to reflect on our own fears and to imagine a way to a better self, a better story” (Kathleen Norris, in her forward to "How Not To Be Afraid" by Gareth Higgins).How To Be is a testimony to the old-fashioned act of letter writing as a way to facilitate meaningful, heart-to-heart connection and understanding. It approach the question, "What does it mean not just to survive, but truly live?" by bringing the certainty of death to our attention. Knowing death is before us, these authors remind us, is key to illuminating the value of life.Within these pages are good stories of hope and resilience, not devastating stories of annihilation and despair. These are stories in which, as Gareth Higgins writes in How Not To Be Afraid, “boundless hope and proportionate lament exist alongside finite trouble.”I offer these quotes from the book, hoping they will inspire you to read these correspondences for insights into the complex joyful-sorrowful reality of being human, and assurances that friendship helps us survive our challenges and traumas:"Friendship … is a face-to-face relationship… I am interested in you for your own sake and you are interested in me for my own sake…[friendship is]a pure, disinterested desire that others be who they are meant to be, and an abiding love even if they fail.""In this too-often cruel and fractured world, being kind represents quite a big accomplishment.""Suffering can, at best, open us to empathy, to awareness, and to participation in the vast suffering of countless others in the world.""Although I continue to hope, I no longer have a clear image of what I am hoping for.""We exist in a triune vessel of past, present, and future. All is simultaneous."I highly recommend this book to people who are contemplative readers, to those who find nurture and sustenance in the acts of reading and writing, and to those who are interested in exploring letter-writing as a way to deepen a friendship.

Imagine having the opportunity to sit down with two wise, experienced, reflective, and successful people, two people who have obviously developed such a deep trust and respect between them that they are willing to share with each other their most profound questions about life and the inner battles with which they have struggled, and to observe over time these thoughtful, intimate, caring conversations between two friends.I have admired and followed Judith Valente and Brother Paul since I read their book, written with Michael Bever, The Art of Pausing. Br. Paul’s book, In Praise of the Useless Life, is one of my all-time favorites. I read Judith’s essays every single week, pre-order any books she writes because I can’t wait to read them*, and never miss one of her online retreats if I can help it. Separately, these two authors are impressive writers and wise role models, together here, sharing their thoughts through the lost art of letter writing, they go even deeper, and we see how these two very different, accomplished people have tackled questions and difficult choices people like us have had to face as well. The letters between the two, which offer encouragement and counsel and love, seem to somehow plumb the existential challenges of life more penetratingly than just one voice could ever manage. The responses often build upon each other as the exchange, the exploration of the question, continues. I have found something of true value, beautifully written, in each of the letters included in this book.Early in the book Judith says, “As I review the narrative of my own life, I find that letters form a kind of underlying soundtrack…”. Here, she and Br. Paul let us hear their own, personal music, the lyrics and tunes of their individual lives, and tune in to two artists at the top of their game play off of each other through letter writing. Buy the book. Sit down with a cup of coffee and listen in on this special conversation between Judith and Br. Paul.*I pre-ordered How To Be, and the picture of me with the book was taken on November 3, 2021, the morning I received it in the mail.

When I was a young mother, I had a copy of Dr. Benjamin Spock's book on parenting in almost every room in our small house. Today, as a grandmother, I have Judith Valente and Paul Quenon, OCSO's book of letters in almost every room of my empty-nester. Dr. Spock's book was a how "to-do" book. Judy and Paul's book is a book about HOW TO BE!This engaging book seemed simple enough the first time I read it. Then, I found I was going back and re-reading a letter when I was lonely, a letter when I was delighted or surprised, when I prayed. My mind and more importantly, my heart, is challenged almost daily as parts of their conversations float into my consciousness and entice me to be part of this journey on becoming. Often playful and profound at the same time, this small book brings meaning and healing to my life in new ways. It is possible to read this book in one sitting. However, it is most valuable when picking it up and reading one exchange as a daily meditation.If you think this is going to be a churchy book depends on your definition. Meditation for me became real when I read about learning how to climb a tree in your 50's, or adults jumping on hay bales!In one of her letters, Judy talks about developing compassion for persons she wrote about as a journalist. Judy and Paul write their letters and while I am an eavesdropper on their conversations, I feel as though these two people are writing to me. My guess is - YOU will feel the same way as you read their exchanges.

What do a journalist and a monk have in common? You will be surprised! Valente and Quenon's book addresses themes important to each one of us in our lives each day. We know how to do. These writers help us understand what it means to be. A worthwhile read!

This is a most wonderful book written as letters by two most gentle souls. Having watched the book "launch" via Zoom, I was drawn immediately into the dialogue about the letters that make up this book. So grateful I ordered it before it was even published!

A great book for the New Year to use as you work on your spiritual growth.